Adolescence
When School Becomes Difficult: Understanding Teen Stress and Disengagement
When a teenager struggles with school, the visible problem may be a missed lesson, unfinished work or an argument in the morning. That does not yet explain what makes school difficult. Dutch youth guidance identifies several possibilities, including learning difficulties, relationships, bullying, physical complaints and performance pressure. 1 A helpful starting point is to understand the experience before deciding what it means. This guide is written for parents and carers. It separates questions about schoolwork, belonging, attendance and emotional well-being, while keeping the teenager’s own account central rather than treating one behaviour as a complete explanation.
4 min read
Literature-based overview
Compiled from the sources below.
At a glance
Describe what has changed before naming the problem
Start with observations rather than a conclusion about character. Which lessons are difficult? Is the problem arriving at school, staying there, participating, completing work or facing assessment? Are there days or settings when things are easier? These questions do not diagnose a condition; they make the concern more specific.
NJi’s parent guidance lists a range of possible reasons for not wanting to attend school and recommends exploring the reason with the child. 1 A change in performance is information to discuss, not proof of indifference. Equally, an understandable explanation does not mean the educational concern disappears. Both understanding and practical planning can remain on the table.
Put academic pressure in context
WHO/Europe’s 2024 reporting from the 2021/2022 HBSC survey describes increasing school pressure and declining perceived support in several adolescent groups. The research spans 44 countries and regions and young people aged 11, 13 and 15; it is not a current assessment of an individual Dutch school. 3
For a family conversation, distinguish the amount of work from its meaning. Does a teenager understand what is expected? Do they fear a particular result, feel compared with others, or believe that one grade decides their future? These are questions about the situation, not assumptions that all parents exert pressure or that every academic concern is perfectionism.
Relationships belong in the school conversation
NJi includes bullying, loneliness and difficulties with a teacher among possible reasons that school feels uncomfortable. 1 This is why a discussion limited to homework can miss an important part of the day. Ask about ordinary transitions as well as lessons: group work, breaks, arrival and the journey home.
Leave room for a teenager not to know the answer immediately. You might ask what they wish an adult at school understood, rather than asking them to justify every missed task. A concern about inclusion or safety also raises a question for the school environment. It should not automatically become an instruction that the teenager must adapt their personality.
Attendance is not one single story
NJi distinguishes several attendance-related terms, including absence without permission and situations where stress or anxiety is involved in not attending. These distinctions are descriptions used in educational discussions; they do not establish an individual diagnosis. 2
For parents, precise language can help keep a meeting focused. Describe what is known, what the young person says, and what still needs to be understood. Avoid using a term as though it already supplies the cause or the solution. This blog post does not set out Dutch legal duties or an attendance-restoration plan; those require current, situation-specific information and the relevant professionals.
Bring people together without losing the teenager’s voice
NJi recommends contact with a teacher, mentor or the school support team when the issue requires school involvement. 1 Before a meeting, you can clarify what each person knows and which questions should be answered. What can the school explain? What should your teenager be able to say directly? What information are you unsure about?
WHO describes adolescent mental health as influenced by family, peer, school and wider environments. 4 That supports a broad perspective rather than a quick label. If an individual assessment is being considered, ask what the professional’s role is, how the teenager will participate and how the educational context will remain part of the discussion.
Frequently asked questions
Does not wanting to go to school mean my teenager is being lazy?
That conclusion cannot be drawn from attendance alone. Dutch guidance describes multiple possible reasons, including academic, social, physical and emotional concerns. 1 Understanding the particular difficulty is more informative than assigning a character label.
Should I focus on grades or feelings first?
They are different sources of information rather than competing priorities. You can ask what is happening with the work and what the experience of school feels like. WHO’s adolescent framework includes both educational difficulties and the surrounding social environment. 4 This blog post cannot determine a sequence for an individual situation.
Can the same school behaviour mean different things for different teenagers?
Yes. Even the terminology around absence distinguishes different circumstances. 2 A missed lesson by itself does not establish a cause. The teenager’s account, the pattern over time and information from school belong in a fuller conversation.
Resources
Numbers in the text link to these sources. Source dates and evidence limitations are retained; access dates do not imply a source was recently updated.
- Wat kan ik doen als mijn kind niet naar school wil?
Parent guidance describing possible reasons and discussion routes; not diagnostic evidence. No source date displayed.
Accessed - Belangrijke begrippen rond schoolaanwezigheid en schoolverzuim
Dutch educational terminology includes legal context not reproduced as advice here. No source date displayed; definitions are not diagnoses.
Accessed - Rising school pressure and declining family support especially among girls, finds new WHO/Europe report
Official HBSC findings summary, based on 2021/2022 self-report survey of 11-, 13- and 15-year-olds across forty-four countries/regions. Associations do not identify an individual cause.
Accessed - Mental health of adolescents
Global public-health overview; not a school-specific assessment or evidence of any practice's adolescent specialization.
Accessed